day 43: two Beautiful Strangers

I kinda confused lately… why do i always have to fall for strangers… First it was you, and then now i fall for another stranger….

Before i give you more detail about this beautiful stranger i fall for recently, i want you to know that i miss you,,, Why i haven’t got your messages again?? Why you never picked up my calls?? Well maybe you’re just too busy. but i do hope u’re not forgetting me or worse, i hope u’re not trying to get rid of me from your life. I know you’re not that kind of person..

Now i about this recently beautiful stranger (lets just call it “B.S” form now on). First time i saw this B.S was on a coffee shop near my boarding house..

This B.S stole my stare at my first visit this coffee shop. At my second visit, this BS stole my mind, i start to think of this BS and made my times on the coffee shop were uncomfortable… and the hundreds visit after that, this B.S managed to steal all… (my stare, my mind, my attention, my curiosity, my heart, my world,,,, ooof Fu#k this B.S)…

Then because of my curiosity… i searched for this B.S number.. after asking about twenty people, i managed to get this B.S number. Then i start sending messages to this B.S with my secondary number… the messages were anonymous and the kind of messages with no-reply, such as “you look so cute tonight” or “nice shoes today” etc…..

hmmm… maybe the best song to describe my feeling for this beautiful stranger is madonna’s song, tittled beautiful stranger.. ghege

in case you dont have that song… i have the link if you want to download it..

here is the link : madonna – beautiful stranger

and here’s the lyrics, if you want to sing along:

Haven’t we met
You’re some kind of beautiful stranger
You could be good for me
I have a taste for danger
If I’m smart then I’ll run away
But I’m not so I guess I’ll stay
Heaven forbid
I take my chance on a beautiful stranger

I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You’re the devil in disguise
That’s why I’m singing this song
To know you is to love you

You’re everywhere I go
And everybody knows
To love you is to be part of you
I pay for you with tears
And swallow all my pride

Dah-dah-dah-de dah-de-dah-de dah dah dah-dah-dum
Beautiful stranger
Dah-dah-dah-de dah-de-dah-de dah dah dah-dah-dum
Beautiful stranger

If I’m smart then I’ll run away
But I’m not so I guess I’ll stay
Haven’t you heard
I fell in love with a beautiful stranger

I looked into your face
My heart was dancing all over the place
I’d like to change your point-of-view
If I could just forget about you
To know you is to love you

You’re everywhere I go
And everybody knows

I looked into your eyes
And my world came tumbling down
You’re the devil in disguise
That’s why I’m singing this song to you
To know you is to love you

You’re everywhere I go
And everybody knows
I pay for you with tears
And swallow all my pride

WELL MAYBE THIS B.S HAS CAUGHT ME IN A MOMENT. BUT STILL I AM MISSING YOU…. YOU’RE NOT JUST A BEAUTIFUL STRANGER FOR ME, YOU’RE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL STRANGER WHO ACT LIKE A FRIEND IN MY LIFE, YES YOU ARE… IF THAT B.S GOT A MADONNA SONG, FOR YOU… I GOT A POEM, WRITTEN BY LEAYAH LUCAS ON 25 JUNE 2007.. hEY 25 JUNE IS MY BIRTHDAY.. HEHEHE

SO, HERE IS YOUR POEM…

Beautiful Stranger

I’m thinking
Maybe I’ve been fooled
I’m thinking
I no longer know you
I’m thinking
You’re not who you turned out to be
I’m thinking
This joke was played on me
Thinking back to what we were
Thinking back to what we held on to
I’m thinking
You weren’t the real you

Who are you?
I lost you
I don’t know who you’ve become now
Who are you?
I don’t know you
You’re such a beautiful stranger

When was the last we talked
You were so distant
I don’t know what to say
When I asked you, you resisted
What made you change?
Was it me?
Or did you hide yourself behind all those lies
I started to believe

Who are you?
I lost you
I don’t know who you’ve become now
Who are you?
I don’t know you
You’re such a beautiful stranger

What is true?
What can I believe?
Whats there left
For me to see?
You aren’t who you said you were
Everything that passed your lips
Were a lie

You’re such a beautiful stranger

I MISS YOU… xoxoxo

DAY 32 : the goodbye in deniaL

Dear You,

even though it will only take you about three minutes to read this post, it took me more than you could ever imagined to write this, and it took me more guts than i could ever have.

i am so missing you… so so much, i missed you just like a child wants some sweet… cant accept refusal, i just want you, if you can;t be here, at least try to talk to me, try to talk to me on the phone, or at least just reply my messages,,,, that would be enough, is that too much to ask???

and now, i want to say:

goodbye

goodbye to late night awake waiting for your call

goodbye to checking mobile every split second just hoping i could see your name on the screen

Goodbye to frustration, wondering, waiting, never knowing

Goodbye to foolish wishes and dreams

Goodbye to a friendship that was destined to fail, even before it began.

Goodbye threats! WHO CARES!

Goodbye to looking for love elsewhere, and wishing I could come home to it

Goodbye to glimmer of hope’ that someday it will work out

Goodbye to pouring my heart out to you, and feeling like you just didn’t care

Goodbye to loving you – damn that’s hard to say! But there’s no point in it now, what’s the use?

IF ONLY THOSE GOODBYES WERE REAL??????

I CAN’T SAY EVEN ONE OF THOSE GOODBYE TO YOU!!!

WISH I COULD SAY GOODBYE…. so that i wont bothering your life and get on with my life. but i just can’t. Maybe you could help me?????

OOOOH… I’M in a DENIAL

what about you??? What are you in denial about???

DAY 25: no cause for celebration

hello, thanks for calling me last night, i was so happy, it was the best birthday gift for me, and your message was the best birthday wishes for me.

will you call me again tonight??? I hope so.

by the way, last night my friends really gave me a surprise, i thought there were no surprise at all, because when you hang up the phone when my friend were outside my boarding house, my friend really act like he’s been had an argument with his father and need me to spend the night with him. Then proposed me to go out to find some nice place to chat, and i agreed. On the way, one of my friend said that he needed to come back to his own boarding house just for a while because he forgot something, but instead of going to my friend’s boarding house, my other friend who was behind the wheel, took the car to a place where my other friends were waiting for me with a cake to make a wish and blow the candle..

Yeah, a nice surprise, a nice birthday moment. I really thank them, but still i do want you to be here celebrating my birthday…

You know, i think of you, i want you here, not for long, even just for a minute, to say “happy birthday” to me, and that would be enough…

it’s my birthday, and i can not find no cause for celebration, i’ll be braver when you save me. (quoted from Jason Mraz’s Mr. Curiosity)

btw, i have the picture of last night, just in case you wondered

i was so happy, but i cant deny that i still want you and miss you.

where are you??? it’s my birthday, and i can not find no cause for celebration

DAY 23: grappLing with guiLt

i hate myself. Yes i do! Who do i had to be sleeping when you called me last night???? Don’t you know how much i miss you… And when you finally call, i didn’t answer it… Oh my God, i hate myself…

Yesterday was a very tiring day. Not physically but mentally!! And i just got back home at 10 p.m. Usually i will stay up til 2 or 3 in the morning, but i don’t know i was just too sleepy last night, so then i fell asleep. But at 00.33 a.m i have to take a leak, when i was done peeing, i took a peek on my phone, and your name was on the call register, registered missed call at 00.05!!! DAMN

i feel guilty…. right up til now when i write this post…  i’m grappling with guilt baby!!! i hate myself, i should’ve picked up the phone last night!!! It’s such a very rare occasion for you to call me… And i had to missed that special occasion, i feel like i want to kill myself…

at 00.33 when i found out the fact that i just missed your call, i feel really guilty, so that i can not go back to sleep again. I wanna punish myself. I told myself to stay awake til the morning so that i could call you first thing in the morning when you wake up, but you didnt reply any of my messages….

so i stayed awake til 01.00 p.m still feeling guilty and missing you so much

i’ll call you right after i published this post. please answer! cause i’m missing you!

DAY 20: my blueberry nights

I missed you so much today, and I was really happy when you called me last night, even though we were just having a less-than-3-minutes conversation. Maybe right now you’re wondering why I made this blog for you. Well, here is my confession: today I’ve got nothing to do, and when I’ve nothing to do I’d be missing you so damn much.

Trying to stay out of my phone (so that I wont call you), I try to watch DVDs, the first movie was “Letters from Iwo Jima”, maybe you already heard about this movie, or maybe you already watch it. But still, I want to tell you about it. This movie was about how the Japanese army defended the Iwo Jima Island from Americans (at 1944). The main character was the commander of the army (Kirubayashi) on Iwo Jima and a soldier (Saigo) that used to be a poor baker before assigned to war.

The commander always writes letters for his son (Taro), and Saigo always writes letters for his wife. But because of the war, the letters cant be sent, then at the last attack, the commander ordered Saigo to burn all the documents and letters (because Japan lost the island) so that the Americans wouldn’t have any information. But instead of burning it, Saigo buried all the letters that were unsent. And all those letters tell us who lived in the present, about what really happened in Iwo Jima.

Well, this movie was pretty inspiring, it tells us about pride for our nation, about how war is useless and painful, about how precious a family is, and about how to survive in a life we never wanted, and of course about how to communicate with someone we love from a far. (Btw, I forgot, in case you didn’t know, this movie was directed by Clint Eastwood and Produced by Steven Spielberg).

But “Letters from Iwo Jima” didn’t inspire me to create this blog.

The second movie I watched today was “My Blueberry Nights” starring Jude Law, Norah Jones, Natalie Portman, Rachel Weisz, etc. This is the movie that inspired me to create this blog for you. Even if you have already watched this movie, I insist to tell you about it.

Jeremy (Jude Law) is the owner of a café, and someday Elizabeth (Norah Jones) came to his café and asked him about her boyfriend. Jeremy told her that the other night, his boyfriend came to the café with another girl. Then Elizabeth left her boyfriend, but because of the broken heart, Elizabeth went to Jeremy’s café every night just for a talk so that she wont be missing her boyfriend. And someday, Elizabeth decided to leave town, to get a better life without the memories of her boyfriend.

Elizabeth went for a long journey, town after town, jobs after jobs, and people after people (here she met Natalie Portman, Rachel Weisz and David Strathairn). On her long journey, Elizabeth learned many things in life, and she shared it with Jeremy by post-cards. She didn’t know that Jeremy was always missing her so much. But Elizabeth never put her address in her post-cards because she always moved town after town, and that makes Jeremy cant reach Elizabeth. Well, that’s why I create this blog for you.

And maybe you would say, “oh please, you still can tell me about anything on the phone!!”. Well here is a dialogue (on My Blueberry Nights) between Ernie (David Strathairn) and Elizabeth:

Ernie : Who you’re writing to? You’re boyfriend?

Elizabeth: No, just someone I know.

Ernie : Why don’t just pick up the phone?

Elizabeth : Well, some things are better written than spoken.

That’s the main reason I create this blog for you.

Even though I’m still here in Surabaya, but I know the situation would never give me the chance to meet you, but at least, I could still tell you everything what I want you to know. Including the fact, that I really missed you. Can I call you tonight??

P.S : every post in this blog, will be titled begins with DAYxxx, this post titled DAY 20 because when I write this post, it’s 20 days since the day we found each other.

prologue

This blog is no ordinary blog. I dedicated this blog for someone I never met, but still hoping on meeting this special someone someday. I met this someone, at a chatroom, then we swap numbers, start calling each other, and I don’t even know how it started, I have feelings for this special someone. My curiosity grows uncontrollably and I missed this someone every now and then.

Why don’t we just meet?????

Honestly, that’s what I really wanna do! I want to meet this someone, I want to tell this someone how much I adore this someone, how much I dream about this someone. But, this special someone never wants us to!

Then why I’m writing blogs for this special someone????

Maybe we talk on the phone regularly, every now and then, just enough for me to hold myself back from the pain of missing. But still, this special someone doesn’t allow me to call first and basically if I am allowed to call, I wont do that, because I don’t want myself bothering this someone’s day. I love this someone, I don’t wanna be annoyed this someone’s life.

That’s why I made this blog. Just for this someone. Just to tell this someone what I need this someone to know! It works a like a letter, with no reply. 

From now on, the words “you” will be referring to “this special someone”

So the title of this blog “whatineedyoutoknow” refers to what I need this special someone to know.